moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
