and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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