Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
why do cheetos always look like penises
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
