i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize