found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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