Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
