I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
