I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
