he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
