When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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