I wish I could punch you in the face.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
