Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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