Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just pee around me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
