Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
