She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
