I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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