have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
