Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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