Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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