It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we made out on top of his cat.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
