He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
