listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
