Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
