when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So many bounce houses so little time
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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