I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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