I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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