I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
