We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
