Umm I'm too high to move.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
