Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
