My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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