guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
