im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
