just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
