today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize