So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
