I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize