I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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