I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I am one with the molecules
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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