I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
