I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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