you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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