Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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