the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
