Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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