He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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