I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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