woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Let's get the cat blown out
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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