nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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