There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
