You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
