I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
