looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
