They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
As shirtless as possible
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
