Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
