I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize