And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
